Tuesday, September 21, 2010

More to reveal...

Hi to all =).  This is just a short note to thank all of you who has come by to read and drop us a few lines.  I'm sorry that I haven't replied, but I'd like to frankly say that the few lines you left matters, as it really helps to know that there are people who understand. I sincerely THANK YOU.

Wonder why it's taking sooo long or too long for me to recover? Well, it was hard enough to get over BULAN.. I thought things couldn't be worst.  Little did I know, things could and did get worst.

It was beyond my imagination and I thought it was beyond my capability and strength to go through any of that.  I am recovering and I have no idea how that was possible.  It took time but I did go through it all. 

~Time is a physician that heals every grief.~  Diphilus

BULAN left on 26th May 2010

followed by

 SUNNY on 11th June 2010

Yes, one loss followed by another loss.  What made it worst was, what had happened.


Sunday, September 5, 2010


30 March 2008 - 26 May 2010
p/s We still love you, I hope you know that. always n forever.

my horrible roller coaster ride ended up in a crash ='(

I had to take some time off before I start typing this post up.  And I believe I will not get it done in one sitting.  Things haven't been well for us, and each lines of this post will be accompanied with tears of sadness as the memories relive in me.  This is the process of grief and bereavement, hence I will go through it slowly, hoping hard that time will help me heal.

Things had been hectic enough with me arranging everything needed for our big scale shift from KL to KK. In early April 2010 I started visiting the Veterinary Hosp every week, to get their microchips in and also their rabies shot.  By the end of April, I was already applying for their import permit (into KK, Sabah).

On 6th May 2010: I sent Donna & Bella to be spayed.  The 2 of them were on canned food for the 1st week, and BULAN came to know of this.  The boy had such a strong sense of smell that he would meow by the doorside, asking to be released for their room, and immediately he would flee into the girls' room and invite himself to their dish.  He LOVED those cans of fancy feast.  I had to give in to him, after hearing his meows, the squeky meow, which he let out specifically to demand for the canned food.  It sounded sad, as if he was begging for the food and at the same time it was an order directed to me.

Since then, he refused to stay in their room.  He was always meowing to be released, and preferred to hang around in the living room.  He took over my 'Kit-Kat' mug, as it was always next to my laptop filled with water (initially for me) as I work on my laptop.  Eventually, BULAN had his own mug and dish bowl next to my laptop and he was the only one with the privilege of hanging out in the living room.  He preferred it that way, as it was easier for him to catch me on the act, when I give the 2 girls their canned food.  Within that 1 week (since 6th May), he gradually stopped eating kibbles, and would demand for the canned food.  Yeah, is sounds exaggerating, but seriously when it's time to eat and I'd put kibbles in his bowl, he'd look at me and start meowing and he'd walk over to a corner (where I stack up their canned food) and he'd knock the stacks off.  And when I pick 'em up, he'd give me that squeaky meow.  He could finish one and a half cans on his own.  He was solely eating canned food for 2 days, and on the 2nd day, I noticed that his stools were soft and it ended with blood.  I observed this twice, once on the night of the 12th May and the 2nd time was the morning of the 13th May.  I took him to the Veterinary Hosp on the 13th May.

The vet mentioned of suspecting viral infection.  He was given a shot of antibiotic (as I was told) and I noted that it was Kombitrim.  He was also prescribed with one week antibiotic.  On this very day, BULAN refused to eat.  The next day, he was eating.  But he was only eating canned food and he could not finish a whole can as he previously could.  He was drinking fine, but food had to be taken and held up in front of him, in order for him to eat.  His stools, were no longer as soft and no signs of blood were noted, but of course lesser was coming out as he was eating lesser.  He was however still active and playing around, he gradually ate lesser and was specifically eating on the purple color fancy feast canned food (VIRGIN FLAKED TUNA).

On 18 May, I took all the cats to the Veterinary Hosp for their export permit.  BULAN was apparently well that he passed through getting the permit, but he seemed to have lost weight, which worried me.

The next day, 19 May.  I took him to ARA Ampang Animal Centre.  Where we saw Dr. Jonathan. Who, in addition to history taking also palpated BULAN's whole body and felt as if his right kidney was enlarged.  THAT WAS ENOUGH TO DEVASTATE ME.  He suggested for a blood test, if I was up for it since our flight was only 4 days away.  Of course we went for it.  We also purchased some other brands for canned food, and was briefly relieved to see that BULAN was eating that night.

Slightly after noon on the 20th May, I got a call from Dr. Sumithra of ARA Ampang Animal Centre and it was regarding BULAN's blood test result.  I was CRUSHED upon hearing the result.  It was to my disbelief the result showed parameters that are indicators of his renal function were way beyond the normal range.  Which deep within me I'd labeled as renal failure hence the cries and feelings of devastation.  But at the same time, I was in denial, I couldn't let BULAN know what I was feeling, I wanted him to get positive vibes.  There were other things that went on at the time, but all in all, we struggled to get everything done, to rush BULAN to the vet.  He was admitted that very day.

Tears were the only thing I had left.  Crying for the blood test result.  And crying for the fact that he was going to be left at the clinic (How I wished, we have a vet where I can stay the night with him).  He was left there from the 20th May (Thursday) to 23rd May (Sunday).  We went to see him every single day. And it was so so difficult.  Each day was such a torture for me, having him left there, seeing him with drips, confined, unwell and not knowing when he would get better, IF he was gonna get better.  Each seconds when I was awake, the whole of me was filled with worries.  Each seconds I was with him at the vet, I had to struggle to fight my tears which most of the time, I failed.  Sleeping was my escape, as I wanted to stop my thoughts.  But falling asleep was difficult as I didn't want to miss even one second.

Throughout his stay at the vet, I had 1 major decision to make.  My flight was on the morning of the 24th May 2010 (Monday).  I had to at least get the 8 cats settled, moreover my brother and sister were in KL, solely for the purpose of helping me out with the cats and stuff.  And I was moving to KK for good, meaning no more home in KL after the 24th May.  So we had to go. And as for BULAN, I had to decide, it was either to take him with me anyhow or he'd be left on his own.  HOWEVER, both came with major issues.

Taking him with me, meaning taking an ill cat on a long journey which would be stressful.  He was also entitled to a one month quarantine, and getting treatment ASAP could've been a problem.

Leaving him behind, meaning I'd have to leave him on his own, return to KL on the 24th May itself and not knowing how long it will take for him to be well, and when I'd be able to take him home if that would even be possible.

By Saturday, I felt that I was siding more towards taking him with me and it was stronger when I went to see him.  I squatted in front of his cage, with the door open, and it was such a sad moment to see him struggle to walk out of the cage.  At first, I pushed him in, but when I let him out, all he wanted was to sit on my lap.  He sat quietly on my lap, resting his head to my body.  I felt it.  He wanted to come home with us.  He didn't want to be left there.  Call me crazy, but I felt it.  I would want him to stay for the treatment, but I could feel it.  It was scary to have the feelings, but I did feel it.  I hated the feelings, it came along with tears, I knew it meant something, but I didn't want to talk about it to anyone, because I didn't want anyone to interpret it.  I refused to believe in the truths of instinct, feelings, signs or whatsoever. NO, I DIDN'T WANT TO.

On Sunday morning, we went to see him.  Another heart breaking news.  Blood test showed SOME improvement which was very little.  In combination of the blood test result with findings of the ultrasound, it was concluded that prognosis was POOR.  Ultrasound scan showed that both his kidneys have lost their normal anatomical structures.  Coming from a biomedical background, and having read lots on this matter, I knew what BULAN was facing with, but pretended to myself that I didn't know.  And yes it was another day filled with tears.  I know, I heard and I understood, when I was told that BULAN wasn't fit to travel.  But what was I to do?  There was no guarantee of him getting better.  Although, the vet presented everything in a not-too-negative manner, she wasn't giving much hope and I knew it.  So I decided that he was coming home with me and this decision was accompanied with tears.  I KNEW I WAS TAKING A RISK.

We left him at the vet and picked him up later in the evening so that he could be left on drips for the rest of the day. 

-------------I started typing this out on the 27th May 2010, the day after BULAN left.. but till now, I am still unable to complete this post... I'm putting it up as it is and we'll just see if I ever get back to it--------

p/s We still love you, I hope you know that. always n forever.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

BULAN has left us. and this is forever.

I have noted that many have been visiting us this past few days.  And I'm sorry that I'm not ready to talk.  He's gone. and I'm not used to saying that yet.

Dear m.q.,
BULAN is ok now.  and eternally, he will be ok.

Dear nadyazgal,
he did respond to treatment, but..... guess it was time.

Dear Kak lia,
thanks for your support kak. Nana dpt rs akak faham

Dear Meowwmania,
I think he is all healthy over there.

Dear Crystal,
I think you've heard the news and perhaps the story too. thanks, dear.

Dear si tEDI,
I think, now, dia akan sihat selama2nya..

Dear lupie,
thanks. *sigh* what more can I say. I knew prognosis was poor to grave.  Actually, grave, but I believe the vet made it sound better by adding 'poor' to it.  I suppose I was hopping for a miracle, but didn't want to say it out.  unfortunately miracles don't work that way.

Dear Blackie,
yups, the reality that i'm still trying to live in.  the news that I have yet gathered enough strength to spread, what more to talk about it.

thanks to those who have been supportive and understanding.  I'll be updating when I'm ready.

But to those, who are here to tell me that, 'he was just a cat'.  YOU CAN GET OUT OF HERE, BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST A HUMAN AND I DON'T MIND LOSING YOU FROM MY LIFE!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

slap me and tell me this is not real!

UNFORTUNATELY, this is for real :(

it's a matter of days, before we are scheduled to fly off when THIS happens.

BULAN's blood test result showed that he is suffering some kidney insufficiency.  It's quite a story that I haven't been able to share.  I'll do so when things cool down a bit.  Moreover I'm not in the best emotional state to find proper words to put together on here.

now, BULAN has been hospitalized.  His result came out today and he went in today itself.  the next blood test is in 3 days.  and I'll have to see his condition before deciding whether he should fly off with us or not.  I'm waiting to find out how he's responding to treatment and what the prognosis is.

I've cried enough over the result of the blood test, I've cried over having to leave him on his own there.  Now I'm crying over uncertainty.  How will he respond to treatment? what is the prognosis? will I have to leave him behind?  of course I'll come back from him, but how long will it take? and I wouldn't be able to be here for him.  this is driving me crazy.  I have to keep distracting myself if I don't wanna end up spending the whole day crying.